Junjou Romantica Abridged
by Grumpy Fujoshay
Summary: A Light Novel adaptation of the Lightly Acclaimed YouTube Abridged series by Grumpy Fujoshay.


_Misaki opened the door, and there he was…_

 _Trying to make out with his older brother…_

 ** _The Love of His Life…_**

* * *

 _ **Junjou Romantica Abrigded**_

Chapter 1: Junjou Gay, Rich, Evil

Misaki Takahashi stood before a monstrously upscale apartment building in a quiet, suburban Tokyo neighborhood.

 _So this is it, huh? The home of What's-his-bucket-tried-to-frenchkiss-my-brother-sama…_

He hesitated, clutching a bag containing the crockpot that was filled with his older brother's steamy, homemade pork.

 _I guess he's going to be my tutor now?_

Misaki had been falling behind in several of his classes, so his brother Takahiro found the smartest person he could think of to tutor him. Or something like that. Misaki couldn't really remember why or how it came to be that The Great Lord of Lust and Gaudy Poetry Akihiko Usami was about to start tutoring him on various subjects.

Misaki passed through the automatic doors in a huff. _Goddamn yaoi doesn't make any fucking sense._

Misaki rang the doorbell and waited a couple of seconds.

"Well, looks like he's not home. Guess I better break in!" Misaki started having really exciting flashbacks to watching The Bling Ring but became disappointed when he discovered that the door was unlocked. It only lasted for a second though, because Akihiko Usami's living room was fucking ridiculous.

"Woooooooowww. I've never seen anything like this before!" Misaki spoke aloud to his imaginary, dreamy male cohort as he crossed the threshold of the doorway. "I knew he was filthy fucking rich."

Indeed he was! Usami's ceiling was two stories high, and the living, dining, and kitchen areas were all combined into one massive, open air chamber with floor-to-ceiling windows replacing most of the east wall. It was like a loft that Japan's Justin Timberlake would live in. Except that everything was pink and there were stacks of books covering every table in sight. Also, brown teddy bears of various sizes were lying around all over, because that's the sort of thing that rich people have, probably.

Misaki walked over and set his savory, steamy pork pot right out on the coffee table. He picked up a note that had been left out by Usami:

 _Hello, Misaki. I'm sleeping off a monstrous hangover, as usual. Make yourself at home. Read a fucking book or something. - Akihiko_

"Okay, so he is home. And hungover." Quite the sexy heist this was turning out to be. Amidst the note were towering stacks of identical books. Misaki picked one up. It was a novel titled _The Box that Houses the Moon_. Apparently it was a big deal, but Misaki wasn't sure because he never read a lot of books. He flipped through it like a magazine. "So he wrote this, huh? Pretty fancy!"

Suddenly, something caught the corner of Misaki's eye and he let out a gasp while making a very overdramatic type of stage turn to see what it was, as if he was flinging his eyes to look upon the ghost of Walt Disney. He had a habit of doing this, and it usually ended up being an anti-climactic moment for the audience. This time, it was just more fucking books on another fucking table.

He drew closer to them, as if by fate. They were paperbacks. He picked one up to take a closer look. It was covered in hot pink hearts and floral patterns, and on the cover was an illustration of two anime boys leaning in for a real good face joust. This was much further up Misaki's alley.

"I wonder what this could be about," Misaki said nervously, feigning ignorance while trying to convince himself that he was reading this by accident and was still technically straight. He opened it to a page near the middle and took a glance; it was another illustration. The two anime boys from the cover were getting real hot and bothered with their mouths. Misaki began to sweat a little bit as he turned the page and read:

 _Takahiro-senpai pressed his lips to my ears and seductively whispered, "Let's you and me get right on down to doing some gay sex."_

 _Wait a second,_ Misaki thought. _Don't I know somebody named Takahiro?_ He read on:

" _Stick it all the way up my entire butt!" I cried out, my body filled with wanting for Takahiro-senpai. "Gee whiz," Takahiro smirked, "I sure hope my little brother Misaki doesn't find out about all of this gay stuff I'm doing with your butthole."_

Misaki had to let that sink in for a few seconds before it clicked.

He ran straight up Usami's glass stairs and kicked down what he correctly assumed to be his bedroom door. "I'm starting to think you've got a pretty big hard-on for my older brother!" Misaki shouted to make sure that Usami was awake to see him holding the smutty friend fiction at arm's length, as if it were the Gay Agenda itself. "Well listen up! He already has a girlfriend, so if either one of us is gonna get wifed up by a rich guy, it better be me, got it!?"

There was a moment of silence as Usami rose from his nauseous slumber. He then proceeded to cast a dreadful gaze on Misaki through the part in his long, silver hair as he let out a growl that sounded like something between a grizzly bear and a 1998 Pontiac Grand Am.

Misaki set his feeble arms at his sides. He wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh..."

Usami's growl cut right through Misaki's voice as it began to fill the room with drunken, lethargic rage.

Misaki froze. "Um-"

Usami emphasized his growling defiantly as if Misaki had interrupted him.

"...Uuuuuuuuuuuuuummm…"

The growling quickly subsided into something like a purr.

Then, before Misaki knew it, Usami was out of bed and clutching his young guest by the wrist.

Usami towered over Misaki. "We should touch each other," he uttered nonchalantly, as if offering a friendly suggestion. He was very good at introductions, to say the least.

Misaki genuinely had no idea what was happening. "...What?"

Usami explained, "You know, like with our hands… And our genitals…"

Misaki was taken aback by this utterly charming gesture. "Um… I don't know if I wanna do that… Here… Now… With you…"

Usami grumbled as he contemplated Misaki's response before he spoke decisively.

"You'll be fine. Just come over here." He dragged Misaki across the room and tossed him onto the mattress like a goddamn dakimakura.

Misaki was starting to get a bad feeling about something. "Hey…" He blurted out. "This is assault!"

Usami seemed not to be alarmed by that comment in the slightest as he hovered over Misaki, holding his wrist down to the bed.. "Oh? Then you must be my… Sexy little saltine cracker. My… sweet little salted caramel. My…"

Misaki was over this bullshit before it began. "Get off of me!" He cried out as he threw Usami's arm to the side and rolled off the mattress.

"Okay, Misaki. I'll stop now." Usami suddenly sounded sober with a gentle response."I'm a responsible and caring person, so I accept your physical and emotional boundaries. Besides, why would I ever want to force my hand down your 18-year-old pants and stimulate you, my best friend's little brother, to climax against your will? That would be beyond awful! Who would even want to read that?!"

(Author's Note: That is not at all what Usami said.)

Misaki and Usami sat directly across from each other at either side of the coffee table. Usami shook some ash off of his cigarette, took a sip of coffee, and decided he would try to start a nice little chat to break up the tension and crippling emotional trauma of this whole "assault" mishap. He spoke with all the suave confidence of a young James Bond. " Say, I got you off pretty quickly, didn't-"

Misaki punched Usami in the mouth.

Usami should have seen that one coming. "You punched me in the mouth."

Misaki's reply was a blunt and angry "Yup!"

* * *

 _ **Two Days and a Long Negotiation with Takahiro-senpai Later…**_

Misaki took a seat at the desk in Usami's office, his wild brown hair held back by an awkward array of bobby pins. "Well, I did _not_ want to come back here, but my brother can't afford a real tutor, so here I am!" He proclaimed before breaking into a laugh of despair.

Handsy-sensei started looking over Misaki's report card. It was abysmal. He hummed. "If I were a teacher, I would have held you back."

"You're not the first to say it!" Misaki tried to sound enthusiastic as he turned in his chair to look at his tutor. "But it's nothing you can't fix, right?"

There was a moment of deafening silence as Usami stood with with his eyes closed. Misaki glared back.

Usami took a seat on the couch. "...Why don't we talk about something else? Didn't you want to ask me more about your brother?"

"Oh, yeah," Misaki answered. "What the hell was the deal with that book you wrote?"

"So I write slashfic about my own life, who gives a shit?" Usami sounded just a tad defensive.

"Okay, but…" Misaki paused as he swiveled all the way around. "You know he has a girlfriend, right? He's pretty straight."

Usami picked up one of his teddy bears. "And I'm drowning in old money. Even butt stuff has a price, you know."

Misaki sighed as he dropped his head. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He had to admit, it was pretty solid logic. _Man,_ he thought to himself, _I wonder what a life with Usami would be like._

 _Misaki drifted into a daydream of Usami courting Takahiro. It was autumn, and the two young men stood alone in the park, gazing deep into each other's eyes._

 _Usami tilted his head over to ask his darling a curious question. "Would you, by chance, be interested in having sex with me at all?"_

 _Misaki's brother cracked a smile. "Eeeeh, I could be gay for pay."_

 _Usami smiled back. "That suits me just fine."_

Usami cut through Misaki's heart-melting fantasy holding up one of the worksheets he had brought over. "Say, Misaki, from the looks of this math homework, you never learned how to count."

Misaki spun back around as he cut his tutor off. "I don't wanna talk about it."

* * *

 _ **Two Weeks Later or Something, I Don't Really Know**_

It was a quiet evening as Misaki ran from his brother's apartment, around the corner, and straight towards the setting sun. He ran until he knew he was far enough for everyone in the general vicinity to hear. He stopped short, took a deep breath, and reeled his head back to shout with all of his might:

" _I am not a homosexual!_ "

His cry echoed to the heavens. Birds fled from their branches. Mothers and children alike turned their heads in alarm.

Usagi looked on, rather disappointed. "Think you can fool the whole world, huh?"

"Oh, Usagi, hi!" Misaki spun around in a panic. Usagi was his nickname for Akihiko, which he came up with only after his sensei didn't take so well to "Mr. Rabbit-sama." Misaki was scrambling for his words. "No, of course I don't do this every weekend, what are you talking about? A hahaha!"

Usagi let out a groan. "You Ukes are always so high strung."

Misaki took a quick breath to recollect his thoughts and remembered his acceptance letter. He dug it out to show Usagi. "By the way, I got into college."

Usagi waved the letter away. "I don't care," he crooned in a flippant tone.

 _Oh, right._ Misaki forgot that his sensei didn't really like to talk about college. He put the letter back in his pocket. "Okay."

"Anyway, it's a good thing I ran into you. I just picked up a cake for Takahiro's birthday." Usagi handed his bakery bag to Misaki. "We should go set up a party."

Misaki looked down at the cake and then back up at Usagi. "Who?"

* * *

Takahiro switched on the lights and entered the dining room. "I'm home- _Oh god!_ "

Usagi fired a confetti gun right at Takahiro's fucking idiot face. He stood next to Misaki in front of the dinner table as he declared joyfully, "We've been alone in your kitchen for 3 hours!"

"Happy Birthday!" Misaki clapped and smiled at Takahiro in hopes of easing his poor brother's delicate, heterosexual nerves.

The electrifying, sensual tones of Bearforce One set a festive atmosphere. Takahiro was relieved to find that these two lovely creeps had merely decorated the kitchen with streamers and made him dinner for the occasion. "Aw, you guys! That's so sweet, I'm not even going to ask why Misaki let you in here."

Usagi ignored that last bit as he held out a small box tied in ribbon. "By the way, I got you a present. It's just a little solid gold Rolex that I had custom made for you."

Takahiro beamed obliviously. "Wow, that's such a great gift Usagi, thank you so much!"

Usagi smiled back. "Don't even mention it."

 _Well, aren't you both pleased as a whole bowl of punch._ Misaki wanted nothing to do with this, and was glad to suddenly hear footsteps in his brother's entryway. "Sounds like someone just broke in," he announced to his senpais. "I better go see who it is."

Misaki turned the corner of the hallway and was surprised to see an elegant, brown-haired woman in a tall pair of boots. He made loud noises of confusion with his mouth, demanding an explanation.

"Oh, that's right, I invited someone over." Takahiro walked to the woman's side. "This is my girlfriend. Actually, she's my fiancée now. Hooray!"

It was the first that either of the other two had heard of their engagement. Usagi's eyes went wide. Misaki gasped aloud. A brief silence fell upon the hallway.

 _Boys, Boys_

 _Are you readaaaaaaayyy?_

Usagi stepped forward to greet the couple. "Congratulations, Takahiro! I'm so glad you finally found someone who can buy you all the fancy jewellery you want."

Misaki couldn't fucking believe this. "I'm gonna go for a walk. Hey, Usagi, wanna go for a walk? Doesn't a walk sound great? Let's go for a walk." As he rambled, he strode down the hallway, dragged Usagi along, and slammed the door behind him as he and his sensei hurried out into the night.

 _If you give a little hmm to me,_

 _Then I'll give a little hmm to you_

* * *

Misaki stood bawling his eyes out under a lamppost down the street as Usagi stared on in confusion. "Is this supposed to be some sort of date?" The older man wasn't sure what to make of Misaki's Sudden Crying Adventure.

The poor little uke wiped his eyes and tried to speak through his tears. "It's not fair! (gasp) You got him such a nice gift for his birthday (gasp) and he just totally shrugs it off (gasp) and he just (gasp) introduces you to his fucking *fiancée* (gasp) like he doesn't even realize that you could buy him anything-"

Misaki was cut off as the Great Creep Lord had once again grabbed him by the wrist and began kissing him passionately. It was really quite rude, and not at all called for by the conversation at hand.

Usagi drew back from his kiss and stared into Misaki's tear filled eyes. He spoke softly as he held the young man close. "Come live with me."

The offer shocked the tears right away. Misaki had to slow his pounding heart before he could respond. "...What the fuck?!"

Usagi fired right back, "I'll buy you anything you want."

Misaki paused. "...Anything?"

"Anything."

"A Wii U?"

"Yep."

"A new car?"

"Absolutely!"

"Season passes to Tokyo Disney?"

"Um… Sure, why not?"

"Well, in that case…" Snowflakes began to drift down from thin air as Misaki wrapped his arms around his first love. "You can throw me in fishnets and call me a french maid."

Usagi smiled. "I just might do that."

Misaki faked a laugh. "Oh, you."

They held each other under the soft light of the streetlamp, snow covering them as it fell soft and silently all around. The warmth they shared was passionate, ecstatic, and all-consuming. There, in each other's arms, the two men shared a simple, quiet moment that they both wished would last forever.

Usagi was the first to break the silence. "...Soooo does this mean you're forgetting about the time I forced a hand job on you?"

Misaki looked up and chirped inquisitively, "You did what?"

"Nothing!"

And then they never brought it up ever again.

 _ **END OF CHAPTER 1**_


End file.
